Holy Shit! I Just Had an Epiphany!

So all of a sudden it came to me.

I am so much better off without my ex-boyfriend.

It took a while to realize, but now that it's come out I feel so much better. There were so many things in life he was holding me back from. Had we stayed together I would have ended up married and probably with child by 27. He would have pushed me to give up my career (that he never supported in the first place) to stay at home and watch the kids while he pursued all of his dreams. I spent so much time concerned with his wants and needs that I completely ignored my own. I have so many opportunities now. There is no one putting me down or holding me back. And honestly, I am grateful that it ended, because I can now see these paths, and I know his path (not our path, as it should have been, but his) was not the right one for me.

But this wasn't an easy thing to realize. Oh no. There were lots of tears and sleepless nights, horrific calls to my friends in hysterics, balled up anger over how I was treated, and regret that I had given my heart and soul to someone who didn't appreciate it at all.

There is no simple cure for a broken heart. The loss of any relationship in your life, romantic or not, is a loss. There is no way over, under or around loss. The only thing you can do is go straight through it. There are 5 stages of loss. No Cliff Notes for this one, you will experience all of them, and only when you allow yourself to feel how you are really feeling, and deal with the loss, can you get over it, and I guarantee you will be changed for the better.

1. Denial and Isolation - The first reaction to loss is to deny that the loss actually happened. We don't know how to deal with the overwhelming emotions we are feeling, so a defence mechanism kicks in, and we decide it didn't happen. Shut it out, along with everyone and everything else that could verify that its real.

I can't believe this is happening. How can we not be together? I'll just go to bed. I don't want to talk to anyone.

2. Anger - As denial wares of, we are left to face the pain of the loss. But we are not ready, so the pain is pulled back in and redirected as anger. This anger can be taken out on anyone or anything. With anger comes guilt for being angry, which translates into more anger -- a vicious cycle.

That fucking tool! I did everything for him and he didn't give a shit. I'm so angry, I'm going to yell at my friends. Now I feel terrible. It's his fault! If he hadn't been such a douche I wouldn't have yelled at my friends!

3. Bargaining - As the anger fades away, we begin to feel like we are helpless and out of control. In order to gain control we analyze the situation in our heads, and barter to try and rationalize the situation. This includes making deals with higher beings in order to change the current situation. At this point we are still finding ways to avoid dealing with the reality of the loss.

If only I hadn't looked in his phone and found calls to his ex, then we wouldn't have gotten in a fight and we would still be together! Oh God, I will go to church every day, like the REST of my life, if you will bring us back together.

4. Depression - You are driving, talking to a co-worker, eating a sandwich, and all of a sudden it hits you. You lost something (in this case, a relationship) that meant a lot to you, and you are sad. We hit the depression stage second to last, meaning it could take a while for the depression to kick in. We were fine about it for months. But it's a false emotion because you cannot get past a loss without being sad. Really sad. You will be fine all day, and get in your car and cry, the kind where your whole body cries with you. At this point, we are finally facing what has happened, and allowing ourselves to feel.

I don't know why I am sad all of a sudden. Wow. I really miss him. And this really hurts. Better call the wahhhmmmbulance because I am going to cry...

5. Acceptance - And now, after the denial, anger, bargaining and depression we can finally come to terms with what has happened. Yes, its over, yes it makes you angry, no, you can't change what happened, and yeah, it really fucking hurts. But now, you have felt all you needed to feel. Once we have allowed ourselves to experience all the emotions of a loss, then we are able to accept what is, and from there, move on.

Yes, we broke up. But I am so much better off without him.

SO that is where I am now. I have finally reached acceptance. And let me tell you, it's fucking great. I know its possible for me to feel these emotions again, because even thought I had this great realization, it still hurts. And part of that realization is knowing it may always hurt, even just a little.