on getting to the bar to order a drink

"I couldn't penetrate. I tried really hard."
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

"Do you know what I did last night?"

Me: no...
Friend: I went to the gym, then came home, took a looooooong bubble bath...while drinking a glass of wine and listening to slow jams...on the tv.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

No D-Bag Do overs

What kind of world to we live in where men think it is appropriate to assume that just because you had sex with them 6 YEARS AGO and haven't talked since that you automaticaly want to do it again?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

On getting a number

Friend 1: We didn't get those guys numbers

Friend 2: I didn't get the number of the guy you kicked out

Friend 1: you didn't get his number???

Friend 2: well I didn't need it while I was making out with him

Me: maybe that should be a prerequisite
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

On that guy we kicked out last night

Friend 1: you guys robbed him, kicked him out and he's probably sleeping under the boardwalk right now.

Friend 2: yeah, but he got his nuuuuttt on!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

"It might not be big but its a fighter"
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

On periods

Aren't guys more attracted to you when you have it? It's like science.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

On neighbors

I'm starting to think the comdisending looks I get from my female neighbors have something to do with my inability to wear clothes and remember to close curtains.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Next years vacation

Friend: so, I was thinking, next year we either go on a week long vacation where we can potentially get an std from the locals... Orrrr.... Get more people and put in for a shore house where we can spend all summer on the beach and will most definately get an std from the locals
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

On...

Fuck... We forgot what we were going to post. Damn wine.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Cops on halloween

Host of party: he (the cop) said we are fine, just to keep it inside and wanted to know who the idiot was who saw him and yelled "5O!!" In his face.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

His side of the story

Me: (on friends ex) he said it wasn't fair because I didn't know his side of the story

Friend: And I said, well, what is your side of the story? And he said "I was on drugs"

Friend 2: I do drugs, and I'm not an asshole. UNACCEPTABLE!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

On halloween

Me: do you think the people who invented halloween are happy or sad now?

Friend; they're dead.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

On high school girls in the next booth

I wish I had a sword I could stab through the back of the booth
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Adults on chosing between Edward and Jacob

Friend 1: Edward is pale and hairy, I can only imagine his terrible man thighs. Jacob is dark and handsome making him the hottness.

Friend 2: I'd prefer Edward for his personality and vampireness.

Me: Sorry to interject, but I'd fuck both of them, at the same time.

Friend 2: lmao - I don't know about the same time, but I'd do both of them.

Me: I don't know who I'd do first...

Friend 1: Please, I'd let them run train

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Poor choice

Eating baked goods while working out is a poor choice.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Did you really think that was going to work?

Boys these days, I swear. They think they can get the milk for free. Check this Facebook message I got from this guy I haven't seen or talked to in like 5 years ... (note, while he is delicious looking, we have never previously been involved in any way):

Come down here, spend the night and get drunk with me. The fact that I haven't seen you since ******* is ridiculous. ###.###.####

Really? Did he think I was going to just hop in my car, drive down and have sex with him. Note, spend the night came before get drunk, so it is quite clear what is on his mind. Not only that, but he would like to be drunk to do it.

Now, I wouldn't say I've never done anything of that nature - yeah, I've had a booty call, or two, or... - but I have my limits. And I'm sorry, but Facebook "come down and fuck me" isn't going to work on this sexy bitch. No way. This is a perfect example of "wow your picture looks nice so I am gonna go for it after 5 years" behavior. It happens farrr too often. Facebook is not a meet market catalogue.

I had another experience where a short, but attractive boy approached me

Guy: Hi, I'm...
Me: Hi
Guy: So, can I get your number
Me: Ummm, you are gonna have to try a little harder than that
Guy: What why
Me: You just told me your name, I'm not going to just give you my number
Guy: Ok, what are you drinking
Me: Coors Light
Guy: Well, I won't get you another [drink], but I'll be right back, don't go anywhere
Me: Ok...

Please note, it was OPEN BAR. He wouldn't have had to BUY me the drink that HE inquired about. Needless to say I wasn't open to chatting when he came back.

What is this ridiculous behavior? What are these boys thinking?

Tools at diner

"Yo hoboken, tomorrow night, is gonna be redurkulous."

Subway fun

That's what she said

On strange dancing

Me: its too bad he's gay, he looks like hed go down well

Friend: oooh he probably does

On a new prospect

Me: His hands were only moderatly sized.

Friend: His feet were small too

Me: Then its not even worth it.

Hair sweater

"From the chin down he was the worst thing ever. he had boobs and was hairy like a sweater."

Friend discussing ex boyfriend's body

On volunteering

"Want to go? Maybe there will be hot, nice men there… I'm going to hell for wanting to volunteer in hopes of meeting a hot man."

Re purpose

I know, I'm sorry (I'm not sorry). I have abandoned my blog of terribleness, but don't think for a second I stopped being the horrific girl that I am. Oh no. On the contrary I have been as bad as ever.

And now, I'm going to share it with you...all of it.

I have decided to re purpose my blog, and use it to post from my phone...whenever I feel like it...wherever I am... whatever I am thinking. It will be spectacular.

I already have a bunch of the terrible comments think and say saved up. Ready to post.

Don't change the channel.

Facebook is the devil

Yes, its true. Facebook is the devil - an evil enabler of poor choices. "Why," you ask, "Why does she hate on facebook, the portal which brings us all together?" For just that reason.

Back in the day it was much easier to delete things. You could easily loose a number, address, photos etc. If you met someone and you didn't really care to meet them again, all you had to do was not give them your number. Easy. If you wanted to not stay in contact with someone (for your own good) then it was easy enough to make it so you had no connection with their life.

But now we have the Beelzebub Facebook. This wretched invention allows us to be the stage 5 clingers we all are on the inside. It says, "Hey, its ok to look. Check out your news (crack) feed. See what's up, with EVERYONE you EVER knew."

Terrible.

Facebook makes it so easy to remain involved in the lives of people you don't really care about. You stumble across your ex ex ex ex boyfriend who you went out with for a week's profile. And that devil Facebook tempts you take a look. Oh, he has a girlfriend, I'm much prettier. And how about your old friend from middle school. Ugh, she's gotten so fat. Horrific. WHAT! She's engaged. Wft, she is horrid and she's engaged and I'M single. The world is not fair.

I recently was involved with a guy for a while. He was nice and I thought he liked me. Then he disappeared. Being the smarty bitch that I am I deleted his number ASAP as to stop myself from ignoring the teachings of He's Just Not That Into You and continue to communicate with someone who wasn't communicating with me.

Plenty of fish in the sea!

Two weeks later, beastly demon Facebook brings him up in my mini feed. "Send him a message," it tempts me, "it's just a message, it can't hurt. It's only Facebook." I was weak! Feeling protected under the wing of that sinful social network I sent a message, and I will stalk my Gmail until I see a return (which will most likely never happen).

Why! Why did I give in? Why didn't I just delete. Because you can't. There is no way to forever banish someone from your Facebook account. Yes, you can unfriend someone, but it is possible they will show up elsewhere on the site, perhaps on a friend's page, and you are temped again by the crack that is Facebook. You can block someone, meaning you will not see them anywhere on the site, but you can always unblock them. Facebook makes sure to remind you of who you have blocked when you view your security settings, and lets you know the door may be closed, but it's not locked..."You can always unblock him..."

Anyone know where to get a exercision? Because I am clearly possessed by the devil that is Facebook.

Blogging Under the Influence [dot] blogspot [dot] com - The Guy Who Doesn't Get It

Hello readers! I know I haven't blogged in a LONG time. I've been busy doing horrific things (as expected as someone who leads a terribly horrific life).

Tonight (or is it tomorrow?)'s post is about guys who just DON'T get it. Personally, I try very hard to get it, as in understand when someone is just not interested in you. I go as far as to delete a number as soon as I feel the least bit rejected. I'm a smart girl. I don't beg, and I think the worst thing in the world is when someone feels your annoying. That's like being compared to a mosquito. I HATE mosquitoes (sorry to any mosquito fans out there, and if you are a fan of mosquitoes you are either a fucking strangeiod or you are the guy from Jurassic Park with the mosquito cane).

Anyway, lately I have been dealing with a number of guys who just don't fucking get it. Now, I know I should just tell someone if I'm not interested, but there are many guys who will pull the "well I just wanted to be friends" bullshit.

LIARS

Here is a great example of one of the above. So I go out with this guy I know, ONCE. Just once. And at the end of the mildly entertaining night he bombards my face and harasses my tonsils with his tongue after I have already gotten in my car. I was so shocked. So taken by surprise. I had no idea what to do. So I wake up to like 5 year long texts from him. I know I have no intention of going out with him again, so I ignore them. He continues to call and text. I continue to ignore (cuz honestly, who wants to tell someone they aren't interested and then possibly have to explain why).

So after a couple weeks of ignoring I get this text about how rude I am being. So I give in and write back and apologize for being rude, and tell him I am just not interested in that kind of relationship with him, and he writes back: (this gets its own line)

"Neither do I... it just felt right at the time"

WHAT THE FUCK (wtf would not do this justice) he expects me to believe he has been hounding me for the last three weeks because he wants to be friends? Come on! I did not write back. Clearly.

Then there is the guy at the bar who doesn't get that you don't care to talk to him (honestly, you would rather stand there looking like a fugly wench with your friend all night than talk to him for 2 min). Tonight I experienced a double dose of Please-go-the-fuck-away guy. One guy comes up and starts talking to us. Gross. A more attractive than ugly guy looks at me from across the bar and mouths "Do you want me to save you?" to which I mouth "yes please." Poor choice.

My savior turned out to be as much as a weirdo as the first guy. I tried to pretend to need to go talk to a couple of my friends and his reply was "I'll wait for you right here." Ten, 20 min, he kept waiting. Really? Yes. He did. I realize there is only one thing I can do to aviod this creeper (who already told me he was creepy because he was born in Canada -- no lie. That is what he said). So he asks for my number. OMG. Why? Why! Here is how the convo went:

Weirdo Canadian Guy: Hey, can I have your number?
Me: Sorry, I don't give out my number in bars. I have had bad experiences.
Weirdo Canadian Guy: Like what?
Me: Um, like guys calling me in the middle of the night 500 times (lie)
Weirdo Canadian Guy: Oh well how about I give you mine and you can text me if you'd like?
Me: Umm. Ugh. Ok, why don't you write it down?
Weirdo Canadian Guy: Take out your phone and save it
Me: (thinking, are you fucking serious, I'm never going to call)

So I saved it. And I feel bad. I have waited by the phone before. But you better believe when someone sends the slightest signal that they aren't interested that I disappear ASAP. The last thing anyone wants to be is that person who just doesn't get it.