On online douchebags

Facebook bullying is the new pushing girls on the playground.

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On bar chips...

Friend: Can we have more chips?

Bartender: Did you guys smoke a lot of pot before you came here?

Friend: I'm not going to confirm it and I'm not going to deny it...

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On pizza

"I want pizza...with SAUSAGE."

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Dinner of champions

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On wine...

Me: Do you want wine? I only get this (wine) once a year. Its very special.

Friend: eh...

Me: I sucked cock for this wine.

Friend: We're drinking it.

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On "dainty" engagement rings

SHAME on the women who would even suggest to create a "dainty" engagement ring. NOT OK.

 
8 Dainty Engagement Rings—All Less Than $800! Which Would You Wear?

http://www.glamour.com/weddings/blogs/save-the-date/2010/11/8-dainty-engagement-ringsall-l.html


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On Bret Michaels

Just like any girl who is about to drink something "crafted" by Bret Michaels, I think I'm going to regret this...

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On drink choice

"Three shots of sambuca. That's probably not the best way to start the night."

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On strippers

Friend: No! I don't want to give my dollars to transvestites! I want to give it to men!

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On bars

Friend: I wanna hood, will a little UGH! And a furrrr jacket!

Friend 2: Well look it up on you iFigityphone.

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On virginity

Friend: and we made out in his 1995 Honda Civic

Me: Please, I lost my virginity in the back of a Geo Prism

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On athletes

Friend: I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Me: Tell him. Did you bring a sign?

Friend: No, but I brought a condom that I already poked holes in.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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On periods (BBMFLN)

Friend: Looks like I won't need to borrow abortion money this month!!

Me: Please wafttt that shit to me. I cannot have a child who was conceived on the hood of my car.

Friend: Why not? It's a great story!

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On batteries

I felt I had to explain to the clerk at the convenience store why I was purchasing two packs of D batteries at 10:30 pm on a Tuesday night.

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On Batman

Friend: can I tell you something?

Me: what?

Friend: I'm batman.
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On the afterparty

"Two guys, one girl. We're going to do terrible things to you, and you'll enjoy it."

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Men on dating

"I cook, I pay for dinner, and bang like a champ."

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On drinking at work

Friend: Are you also drinking at work?

Me: Yes

Friend: oh Wtf! I should've gone to college.
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On meeting men

Friend: He was here for is friend's retirement party.

Me: haha maybe that is where you should stop...

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On your present

Friend: Well, I wanted to get you a stripper, a cop stripper, but my sister couldn't get a suite, and I felt it would be weird in a regular room.

Me: Give me a hug, you are the best friend ever.
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On sleeping over

And I'm going to get too drunk to drive home...that's my plan.

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On Titanic

You know you are getting old when you watch Titanic and you would prefer Billy Zane over Leonardo DiCaprio because he looks like a child.

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On new shoes

I just got new heels!! They are very "I Love Lucy"...if Lucy was a whore.

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To do:

Refrain from having relations with sober people when I am intoxicated...

A. Anyone who is sober and canoodles with a drunk girl is clearly a creeper

B. The sober creeper will remember all the horrific filth that left my mouth, while a drunk one would not

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On updating this blog (bbmfln)

Me: I haven't posted in so long

Friend: I know u better get on it I am having to visit things like college candy

Me: how about the other one

Friend: Not a lot of new material lol

Me: Whattt. It updates every time I drink!

Friend: Lol u need to drink more

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On dating

According to the radio, the average woman dates 24 men before finding mr. right.

I hope by "dates" they mean "make out with at bar"

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On our unpaid tab

Me: maybe he's just slowly buying us.

Friend: For future use? Haha. Were on LAYaway. Get it? LAY-away. Haha.

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On spilled drinks

We just look like sloppy bitches

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On sisters

"My sister hands out blowjs"

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On bar attire

Me: look at that guys shirt, it says "conserve water, shower with me"

Friend: go talk to him

Me: nooo, he's wearing shorts...to the bar

Friend: don't limit yourself. He could be the love of your life.

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On walking down the street

Me: Do you know how many people stop to talk to me? One group of guys pulled around the block and then tried to get me to get in their car.

Friend: That's not flattering, that's kidnapping.

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Here's your tip...

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On dance floor make outs

Friend: omg, they had a name for it. I saw it on collegecandy.com...

Me: stop. that's all you have to say.

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On the new lounge

Me: is this the new spot?

Friend: yes. Ill like it until Ben Diagnostic shows up.
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To Do:

Stop using last names when I talk about people in public

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This is why I'm single

It's Friday night and I am standing on the corner in heels and leather....holding 3 Jackie Collins and a Nora Roberts.

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On stripper life

Friend: Why are you using MY stripper life to attract attention to yourselves

Me: Hey, if I had a gravy train I'd let you ride it.

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On man sex

Friend: ‎​This is why you should just accept your welcome packet and come over to this side. Clearly you are too good at man sex.


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On bras

Friend: I want a bra that says "taste me, I taste good."

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On pirates (bbmfln)

Friend: (at pirate theme establishment) Pirates are hottt

Me: Yeah they are!

Me: Sorry, yeah they yarrrr

Friend: hahaha

Me: if you fuck a pirate, you'll be my idol.

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On younger men

Me: What do you think would happen if I walked over to that table [of younger men] and said "back of my car, ok? let's go"

Friend: We should just start fucking people.

Me: what?!

Friend: Fucking with! I meant fucking with!
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On other people getting married first

You know, if everyone gets married now, well have first dibs at the divorced crowd.
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Aging men

Friend: Eventually, all men get fat and bald

Me: True...
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Note to men...

Telling me about your previous drug problem doesn't help your game.
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On birthdays

Friend: this might be my best birthday ever.

Me: why?

Friend: I just got molested.
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On filing my taxes

Sigh...
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On the preppy at the bar

Friend (drunken): that guy over there, he looks like he's going to end up on SVU. He's going to be the murderer and his friends won't even know it.
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On workout supplements

Me: I need to have more sex to supplement my workout. Do you think they have trainers for that?

Friend: Yeah, they're called hookers.

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On weight watchers

Friend: I've decided since a vodka tonic is only 1 point I'm going to drink them all the time. But that might be bad, because I've had 5 of them and I'm drunk.
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On telling your kids who you really were

Me: When your kids want to get heels, and you won't let them. I'll tell them about your whore boots.

Friend: No because by that time they'll be 18 I'll be divorced from their father and dating their friends.
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