On side pieces

Being a side piece might win you a few rounds, but you'll never take the title.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

On responsibility

In a cheating situation, responsibility is 30% the accomplice (pending they know that the person is taken) for being immoral, 60% the cheater who is in a relationship and solicits themselves as available/pursues others regardless and 10% the significant other who either is too fucking dumb/blind to figure it out or knows they are being played and decides to stay with the cheater anyway.

Class dismissed.

On marbles

Me: I saw a pretty blue marble half buried in the dirt. So I pull it out and bring it home, clean it off. And then I remember Jumanji.

Friend: You are done! Get rid of it!
Me: You know the rules - I have to win the game to get rid of it! I don't know how! Who even plays marbles anymore? Doomed.

On abs

"It was like playing an accordion on his abs."

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On Monday Night Football

Friend: Winning invention... Cliff notes version of sports games so bitches can impress males

Me: Yes! Comes with sports team boob shirt - won't matter what the fuck you say as long as your tits are out. When discussing the game, be sure to emphasize key words like "score" "touchdown" "tight end"and "balls"

Friend: Lol i'll be sure to keep up the facade.
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On bathrooms

Guy: Is there a urinal in the womens' room or am I just fucked up?

Me: that's a sink

Guy: shit

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On giving out your number

"I've given my number out to a lot of dumb people, but never to someone with a tear tattooed on their face."

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