On the preppy at the bar

Friend (drunken): that guy over there, he looks like he's going to end up on SVU. He's going to be the murderer and his friends won't even know it.
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On workout supplements

Me: I need to have more sex to supplement my workout. Do you think they have trainers for that?

Friend: Yeah, they're called hookers.

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On weight watchers

Friend: I've decided since a vodka tonic is only 1 point I'm going to drink them all the time. But that might be bad, because I've had 5 of them and I'm drunk.
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On telling your kids who you really were

Me: When your kids want to get heels, and you won't let them. I'll tell them about your whore boots.

Friend: No because by that time they'll be 18 I'll be divorced from their father and dating their friends.
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