To do:

Refrain from having relations with sober people when I am intoxicated...

A. Anyone who is sober and canoodles with a drunk girl is clearly a creeper

B. The sober creeper will remember all the horrific filth that left my mouth, while a drunk one would not

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On updating this blog (bbmfln)

Me: I haven't posted in so long

Friend: I know u better get on it I am having to visit things like college candy

Me: how about the other one

Friend: Not a lot of new material lol

Me: Whattt. It updates every time I drink!

Friend: Lol u need to drink more

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On dating

According to the radio, the average woman dates 24 men before finding mr. right.

I hope by "dates" they mean "make out with at bar"

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On our unpaid tab

Me: maybe he's just slowly buying us.

Friend: For future use? Haha. Were on LAYaway. Get it? LAY-away. Haha.

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On spilled drinks

We just look like sloppy bitches

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On sisters

"My sister hands out blowjs"

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On bar attire

Me: look at that guys shirt, it says "conserve water, shower with me"

Friend: go talk to him

Me: nooo, he's wearing shorts...to the bar

Friend: don't limit yourself. He could be the love of your life.

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On walking down the street

Me: Do you know how many people stop to talk to me? One group of guys pulled around the block and then tried to get me to get in their car.

Friend: That's not flattering, that's kidnapping.

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Here's your tip...

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On dance floor make outs

Friend: omg, they had a name for it. I saw it on collegecandy.com...

Me: stop. that's all you have to say.

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On the new lounge

Me: is this the new spot?

Friend: yes. Ill like it until Ben Diagnostic shows up.
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To Do:

Stop using last names when I talk about people in public

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This is why I'm single

It's Friday night and I am standing on the corner in heels and leather....holding 3 Jackie Collins and a Nora Roberts.

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On stripper life

Friend: Why are you using MY stripper life to attract attention to yourselves

Me: Hey, if I had a gravy train I'd let you ride it.

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On man sex

Friend: ‎​This is why you should just accept your welcome packet and come over to this side. Clearly you are too good at man sex.


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