Playa like the Himalaya

When I entered the horrific online dating scene I was all about meeting someone new. I spent hours looking over all the profiles selecting who I would talk to. I never contacted any of them. I didn't as much as click the button that told them I though they were hot. It just seemed strange.

By some strange coincidence, I was contacted by some of the guys I found attractive contacted me (Among many who were horrible, and it wasn't just physical. Some just didn't seem interesting in their profiles. Looks aren't everything, but in a forum where you are judged by your picture and a paragraph, one should choose their words and pictures wisely). So we start chatting on the site. That's fine with me. And then AIM. Ok. And then IMing me constantly. A little intrusive. Now wanting my number. Eeeek!

The truth is, these guys aren't doing anything wrong. I play a role in these relationships. I e-mailed back, I answer the IMs, I struggle through forced conversation, I fork over the phone number when I don't really want to, for phone calls and text messages I most likely won't answer. But why? Why is it so hard to say "I'm just not interested"?

So many people do it. They just don't know how to say no. I take accountability for my actions. I know I play into it. But I do give off signals that say, back off. I don't respond to the 500 IMs to my away message, I don't try and give you my number, I don't suggest we hang out in person. Accept that at this point I am cool with just chatting, not 24/7, but every once in a while. Don't push it.

The issue gets even worse in real life. I recently had an experience with a guy at a bar who decided because I danced with him we were going to be married and grow old. Umm hello? Where was his better judgement? One, I was clearly drunk. Drunk girls in tube tops will usually dance with anybody. Two, me walking away from you and dancing with someone else probably means I have moved on. I am sure that the 5 seconds we spent dancing were amazing but that doesn't mean you should follow me around the bar and when you can't find me (because I am hiding) ask my friends where I am and tell them how much you like me. It definitely doesn't mean that when you finally track me down and cut in front of my latest dancing partner that you should try to suck my face and then ask if you can see me again. HELLO! I gave clear signals that I wasn't interested. What is the deal?

I'm sure this post makes me sound horrible, or as the homeless guy I passed on the street put it, a "playa like the Himalaya" and while I am a bit horrific, this one isn't my fault, and it happens all the time. Think about it. How many times have you felt bad because someone got the wrong idea and decided it was appropriate to court (flirt, stare at, cock block, follow, touch, make out whatever) you. What if you had just turned to the person and said "I'm not really into you, please move on." You would be a BITCH! A total ASSHOLE! The worst person EVER! No one wants to hear the truth. The truth hurts.

I try to be aware of the signals people send to me, and I think I do a pretty good job of not pursuing guys who aren't interested. Eighty percent of the meaning of what we say is non-verbal, and paying attention to that eighty percent makes life a whole lot easier.