I can see clearly now the rain is...

...right where I left it.

I had an encounter with the ex tonight that left me very confused.

No, nothing dirty or juicy.

I was annoyed because he let me down, yet again, in regards to some of the business still left between us (yes, there are still things to take care of after all this time, naturally that are his fault). I decided the best thing was to talk to him face to face, as that is in my opinion the best way to communicate a message without misunderstanding. I let him know how I hated badgering him and that it made me feel like an idiot that there was still business to attend to. I told him how it was my own fault for thinking I could depend on him. I was taken back by how completely hopeless he looked.

It was then that he told me of the depths of his financial situation, one not caused by the market, but by his own poor choices. I feel uncomfortable going into details on the matter, but it is bad. Really bad.

For some reason I felt like crying. But why?

There are two things that can happen to your ex after a horrific break up that while it is really terrible to take joy in them, they make you feel temporarily much much better:

1. They attempt to come crawling back, desperately in love with you, and you get to turn them down because you are way happier without them, and are quite busy fucking someone else. Ah, now he sees what he was missing! Too. Fucking. Bad.
2. You find out, as you wished many times in anger, that their life post-you is in shambles, they have contracted some kind of disgusting/non-lethal STD and its plain to see that their life was sooo much better when you were in it -- proof that any goodness in the life you had was because of YOU.

Yes, number two. Ok, so I hoped his life would fall apart without me. I cursed him and called it out many times he would continue fucking up and would ruin his life completely. Ah yes, then he would see. And he would be sorry, possibly resulting in a number one type scenario.

Things changed. I'm doing well. I am happy with me and the people in my life. Yeah, I'm not rolling in it, but there is nothing I want for, and I am not having things taken away from me. My wishes for him began to change when I realized my happiness was a direct result of walking away from those rain clouds into the sunlight.

But he stayed in the rain, which now has developed into a storm. As he told me I could see how much pain he was in, and while I felt bad for him (I started to get teary -- I'm a HUGE sap if that counts for anything) a voice inside me said, "aren't you happy that it's not your problem anymore."

There was another realization in this encounter -- I was not responsible for his happiness. I hoped that things would work out for him. I was thinking earlier in the day how things a better now we are over, and wanted to tell him how glad I was that we were both able to move on to better lives. His recent downfall is one more piece of evidence proving that I had no control over his happiness, and nothing I could do could change the direction of his life and the decisions he would make.

I told him that things would get better, because I am still me, and I still care that he (as a person) is hurting, knowing very well that they most likely wouldn't, because he is still him and that will never change.

Tonight I go to bed confused by fresh tears (wow, that was emo), feeling pity for a person who deserves none from me. I go to bed in rain clouds tonight, but I will wake up tomorrow and the sun will shine.

But for him, it will still be raining.

YAY for YOU

This YAY for YOU goes out to my dear male best friend who came in second in his lifting competition.

I am very proud of you!!!

Keep your hands out of my cookie jar

I like boys, they like me...

...but their girlfriends don't.

I'm not sure what it is about me, but I am the girl that that boyfriends like to forget about their girlfriends for. I'm the one they talk to for hours, days, weeks and they don't mention that they are in a relationship. I'm the one they tell after the deed is done that there is a misses.

For example, lets look at my last three relationships:

Case 1 - "I am in love with you but I promised my girlfriend we wouldn't break up again."

And I fell for it. I ate it up. I thought it was so sweet and I felt bad he was stuck in a relationship he wasn't happy in. He would call me and tell me how he felt. How he wanted to be with me and not her. I would give him advice. I was there for him. Finally they broke up, and he turned around and pulled the same shit on me.

Case 2 - "I can't do this, I've got a girl."

After my ex and I broke up we had a few encounters. One of them resulted in his coming, and my leaving of his life forever, right after he told me he had a new girlfriend. I should have seen it coming. He cheated on me throughout our entire relationship, so I guess this was like a reverse karma.

Case 3 - "Umm, you know, you have a girlfriend..."

We were friends. Well, friends with tension of the sexual kind. One night after some drinks shit happened, and he had a girl friend. They broke up. We started to hook up. Until one unfortunate day after when I looked at his facebook, and he had a girlfriend. What. I was naturally pissed. And he was sorry. We continued to hook up. He would tell me they would fight, and he didn't want to be with her. I felt so bad for him. When they finally broke up we got together officially. And what do you know! He did the same thing to me.

These are just examples of official relationships. There are countless other guys I have come in contact with who were with someone else and most of them did everything to make sure I didn't know about it. I try my best to keep these guys from being cheaters. I am not a cheater myself. When I am in a relationship I do not stray. That's not my style. Despite my good intentions, karma keeps setting me up for disaster.

I'm not sure what it is about me but for some reason these guys can't resist putting their hands in my cookie jar -- no matter if they have a batch of their own.

I see miserable couples everywhere I go, everywhere I go...

You have seen them. You are at the store, the aquarium, on the train and you hear it. She is pissed because he did something wrong. He is annoyed because he thinks she is just nagging. Its hard to miss the muffled threats or icy glances.

I see miserable couples everywhere I go.

And I look at them and at first I see myself. I see my old relationship. I see how we were. I see how terrible it must have looked to others. And then, relief. I am not in that picture anymore. I am no longer part of another angry couple. And then I

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