On splints

Friend: Apparently I need a cock splint for my wrist. Does this mean I should give more handjobs or less?

On cocktopus (greatest video ever)

Watch this, love it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwLMM_QBkMc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Thanks Jenna Marbles! 


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On sugar

On vocabulary

On happy mondays

On meat

On tanning

On sexting

On shoes...

On vampires

Our convos

On threesomes

"Threesomes are disGUSTing. You've got to at least do a foursome."

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On proper nutrition

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On side pieces

Being a side piece might win you a few rounds, but you'll never take the title.

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On responsibility

In a cheating situation, responsibility is 30% the accomplice (pending they know that the person is taken) for being immoral, 60% the cheater who is in a relationship and solicits themselves as available/pursues others regardless and 10% the significant other who either is too fucking dumb/blind to figure it out or knows they are being played and decides to stay with the cheater anyway.

Class dismissed.

On marbles

Me: I saw a pretty blue marble half buried in the dirt. So I pull it out and bring it home, clean it off. And then I remember Jumanji.

Friend: You are done! Get rid of it!
Me: You know the rules - I have to win the game to get rid of it! I don't know how! Who even plays marbles anymore? Doomed.

On abs

"It was like playing an accordion on his abs."

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On Monday Night Football

Friend: Winning invention... Cliff notes version of sports games so bitches can impress males

Me: Yes! Comes with sports team boob shirt - won't matter what the fuck you say as long as your tits are out. When discussing the game, be sure to emphasize key words like "score" "touchdown" "tight end"and "balls"

Friend: Lol i'll be sure to keep up the facade.
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On bathrooms

Guy: Is there a urinal in the womens' room or am I just fucked up?

Me: that's a sink

Guy: shit

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On giving out your number

"I've given my number out to a lot of dumb people, but never to someone with a tear tattooed on their face."

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On friends with benefits

"I want a friend in the mob. Do you know how many people I want to kill?"

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On cars

"My car says 'I want to have children' yours says 'I'll give you head while you drive this.' We're taking YOUR car."

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On laying in bed

Guy: I'm laying in bed, come join me.

Me: If I got in your bed right now I'd fall asleep. Sure that's what you had in mind.

Guy: I wouldn't let you.

Me: Oh really, how would you stop me?

Guy: Penis.

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On roofies

"It only counts as roofies if you don't want it"

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On creepers

Friend: "they were all yelling mami, like I was a piece of meat or something."

Friend: "I'm like filet mingon, ok?!"
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On the "PQs"

Friend: You're about to have the PQs over what you're about to eat.

Me: the what?!

Friend: The pussy quivers.

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On beer

"They should make beer in pill form so you can get drunk while driving."

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On birth control

Bitches should be on that shit.

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On male intelligence...

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On the difference between "stalking" and "browsing"

Friend: are you stalking him?

Me: Not stalking - stalking is going on Facebook with the specific goal of following someone's life.

Browsing is when you go on and someone posts an update and you press the wrong spot on the touch screen and are taken to a gallery where that person is shirtless.

Friend: Hahahahahaha

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On bras

"First, I would not leave my very expensive bra hanging on an antler at Jack and Bills. Second, if I was 21 my bra would be on there."

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On drinking

"I'm not usually this gay, but I'm drunk."

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On commercials

Friend: You know what I've fallen in love with? Those e-trade baby commercials.

FAIL

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On Valentine's Day (bbmfln)

Man friend: I'm terrible. This girls like " I may have a crush " and I told her that was bad

Me: Is she your valentine?

Man friend: Lol nope, I'm still on the open market

Me: If none of your bitches wanna put out on vday, I'd totally go out to panda express w you.

Man friend: We'll go on a panda express date

Me: Omg. that's big time. Like l-bomb level.

Me: I'd wear a red whore dress, like I had gotten all ready for the occasion. You could pull out my chair. So classy.

Man friend: There attached to the table I'm pretty sure. But ill take your cup up and get you a refill

Man friend: Or we could share an egg roll lady and the tramp style

Me: Finishing touch - promise ring in the fortune cookie

Man friend: HAHA. Promise ring on the first real date.

Me: Yeah, a promise that I'd be putting out

Man friend: Ill take you to piercing pogoda and get you a heart charm with our names in it for 24.99

Me: it should just be your name. that's how real men keep their bitches

Man friend: Not in the heart, in the Matching hoops I buy you.

Me: They wouldn't be earrings, they would be handles.

Man friend: hahahahahahhahaha




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On stand up guys

Stranger: He's a stand up guy

Friend: Stand up guy? What does that even mean.

Me: it means he's a good guy, like he never gets so drunk he falls down.

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Our band

Friend: do you think we could start a band?

Me: sure. But neither of us can play an instrument, or is particularly good at singing... so we'd have to be naked.

Friend: ah, ok

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E-mail from a friend (the importance of nick names)

FW:

dilemma.

I'm talking to 2 Michaels… they both asked me out… I don't know which is which. FML

Best,
(Name removed to protect the guilty)





 


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