No D-Bag Do overs

What kind of world to we live in where men think it is appropriate to assume that just because you had sex with them 6 YEARS AGO and haven't talked since that you automaticaly want to do it again?
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On getting a number

Friend 1: We didn't get those guys numbers

Friend 2: I didn't get the number of the guy you kicked out

Friend 1: you didn't get his number???

Friend 2: well I didn't need it while I was making out with him

Me: maybe that should be a prerequisite
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On that guy we kicked out last night

Friend 1: you guys robbed him, kicked him out and he's probably sleeping under the boardwalk right now.

Friend 2: yeah, but he got his nuuuuttt on!
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"It might not be big but its a fighter"
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On periods

Aren't guys more attracted to you when you have it? It's like science.
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On neighbors

I'm starting to think the comdisending looks I get from my female neighbors have something to do with my inability to wear clothes and remember to close curtains.
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Next years vacation

Friend: so, I was thinking, next year we either go on a week long vacation where we can potentially get an std from the locals... Orrrr.... Get more people and put in for a shore house where we can spend all summer on the beach and will most definately get an std from the locals
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On...

Fuck... We forgot what we were going to post. Damn wine.
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Cops on halloween

Host of party: he (the cop) said we are fine, just to keep it inside and wanted to know who the idiot was who saw him and yelled "5O!!" In his face.
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His side of the story

Me: (on friends ex) he said it wasn't fair because I didn't know his side of the story

Friend: And I said, well, what is your side of the story? And he said "I was on drugs"

Friend 2: I do drugs, and I'm not an asshole. UNACCEPTABLE!
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On halloween

Me: do you think the people who invented halloween are happy or sad now?

Friend; they're dead.
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